Unwedded Bliss

The single girl’s survival guide to wedding madness.

 

Once upon a time, back in the ’90s, there used to be a designated time of the year that you knew would bring embossed envelopes, regally inviting you to celebrate in the happiness of a distant cousin, close friend or a co-worker in the joining of holy matrimony. Now, it’s a year-round sport. Wedding invites can invade your mailbox like a stealth bomb at any moment. What ever happened to June being the designated month to make single girls’ lives a living hell?

Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating. It isn’t hell, but it can be an anxious time for some single girls in the world. Who will I bring to the wedding? Will there be anyone interesting to flirt with at the reception? Will I commit an epic fail after too many drinks at the open bar? There are so many landmines to navigate.

So, to help a single girl out, I’ve come up with this short survival list to unwedded bliss during wedding season—otherwise known as how to keep your pie hole shut, don’t get crazy-drunk and celebrate wedded bliss with the people you care about most. Feel free to weigh in on my blog with your own survival tips.

Like it or not, it’s not about you. Maybe you don’t like the venue. You don’t like the groom. You don’t like weddings. So what? Get over it. Whatever opinions you may have formed on the actual wedding, keep your lipstick-laden lips sealed and be happy for the couple. Happiness reduces wrinkles. Frowning makes you look like a hag. Do you want to frown on this wedding and look like a hag? Thought not.

No plus one? No problem. Contrary to popular belief, weddings can be fun without a date. If you are attending with your couple friends, be their third wheel. They probably owe it to you for putting up with their relationships. Or, get creative. Who says a “plus one” has to be a guy? Can’t you bring your best friend or your sister? Get dolled up and treat it like a mini prom. Buy a new dress and hit that party like a West Coast party cuz a West Coast party don’t stop. Or, something like that.

Drunk and disorderly is not a good combination. Drowning one’s sorrows is a typical response to a tragedy. Weddings do not fall under this category. Unleashing yourself full-force on the unlimited booze that is likely available to you at a wedding is a big no-no. Your misadventures in the land of “drunkity drunk drunk” will be talked about well after the last grain of bird seed is thrown. In this tech age, it will also be posted on Facebook and/or YouTube before your cab arrives to take your sorry slurring carcass home. How do you want to be remembered? Charming and sweet or crazy-drunk with Rasputin eyes?

The bouquet toss is not meant to crush your soul. Many of my friends detest this tradition, mainly because it promotes “running of the bulls” behavior on the dance floor. They also hate how it glaringly points out their lack of coupledom or wedded matrimony. Here’s the upside. The tossing of perfectly good, expensive flowers is a goldmine. The bouquet is usually better than any flowers I would normally buy or get from a cheapskate date, so I go for it. Step aside, ladies. Momma needs a new dining room centerpiece!

Weddings are a celebration, not a jail sentence to get out of. Regardless of whether you don’t champion the union, hate the Electric Slide or think the couple is the best thing since sliced bread, take a deep breath and make the most of the day. At the very least, you get a decent meal and some cardio on the dance floor. In the best of circumstances, you will witness two people you care about making a lifelong commitment, and that is worth celebrating.

 

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Unwedded Bliss illustration by Sarah Quatrano

 

Photo credit: Illustration by Sarah Quatrano

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